Sometimes your mind says yes, while your body screams "Who are you kidding?"

I'm not opinionated
How many times have I heard that your body starts to fall apart when you hit middle age? The admonishment is always served with a smile; but no statement could be more serious or true. Take for instance, hemorrhoids. A minor pain in the ass in my youth (I'm sorry, I had to use that one) later became a debilitating condition as those southern vericose veins expanded like an innertube in the sun. I'm not sure if the pain of the experience was physical, emotional, or caused by repressing the urge to share the pain with a smarmy doctor. A first embarrassed office visit yielded a highly professional diagnosis: "Yep, it looks like your giving birth to a bloody cauliflower down there.". He was wrong, it was more like birthing an epileptic porcupine. That was followed by the inevitable line of questions that indirectly asked if these hemorrhoids were really speedbumps. Hell, I couldn't even shit with it, I'm wasn't about to use it as a playground. If that wasn't enough humiliation, Dr. Understanding referred me for the sub-commander treatment. Yes, a barium enema was necessary, "Just to be sure that everything was ship-shape." I later found out that he never even saw the results of the dreaded procedure. Imagine this: five days of laxatives, followed by Citrate of Magnesia (otherwise known as the lemon-lime tornado). Drink a bottle, and head to the bathroom, because five minutes later the backdraft will suck the fillings out of your teeth. Once the High Colonic Highway was clear, a trip to the proctologist was next in line. Why the hell would a proctologist have seats in his waiting room? I think that the kid before me bugged me the most. He was complaining about the taste of the barium...the little puke got to swallow his! Even the backless gown didn't spook me as much as the three nurses who appeared to be holding ropes. What I assumed were highly technical equipment turned out to be the medical equivalent of the tethers used on the Bullwinkle balloon in the Macy's parade. I can now relate to the big moose, I'm sure that I bumped my head on the ceiling somewhere near the middle of the procedure. Considering that this was all a prelude to the actual operation and recovery, I wish that I had been told that "roids" are a lot like homing pigeons. I'd love to sit and write some more, but my mind is screaming at me.

We Should Have Known

It's official, tsunami aid is the hippest cause since saving the anorexic vegetarian HIV positive whales. Now, when you scratch the forehead of Hollywood luminaries, you will no longer be able to see through to the other side. Instead, you will see images of benefits, including some awesome opportunities to wear outfits that cost more than the gross national product of several of the countries affected. No need for humble, anonymous giving here, everyone has a chance for their 15 seconds of fame. In the spirit of giving, I have some humble suggestions for the notable and notorious:

-Oprah could give everyone a car, with a set of Dr. Phil tapes in the glove box
-The women from Sex and the City could collect several boxes of Manolo Blahnik shoes and purses to send (after all, even the homeless need to accessorize)
-Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie should shoot their next episode of "The Simple Life" in Sri Lanka (maybe they've already beaten me to that idea, they are so sensitive!)
-Brittney Spears could marry each of the male refugees for 72 hours, with a healthy prenup of course
-Latrell Spreewell can't really spare the time, he's got a family to feed, you know
-Ron Artest could produce a CD of his greatest hits
-Toby Keith could wrap himself in several American flags and.... wait, there aren't any asses to kick here
-Charlton Heston can send everyone a gun, after all the animals had a sixth sense, so the hunting should be good
-Michael Moore could send all of the food that he seems to have spilled down the front of his sweatshirt

It would be a shame if some of the glitterati missed out on an opportunity for self-promotion and just quietly lent a hand. That's not the American way.

I you believe the ads for more than 4 hours...

Okay, so we are finding out that Vioxx, Celebrex, and several other prescription drugs might not be good for us after all. So many television commercials tell us that we need the purple pill (even if we don't know what it is for) that we have become conditioned to ask our doctor for it. Have we ever considered who these ads benefit? Here goes, who owns the most expensive home in New York State? If you aren't sure, check out this link: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/31/nyregion/31mansion.html?ex=1262235600&en=babf484423c81263&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt . It will lead you to a heartwarming article about the pharmaceutical distributor who just purchased a house in the Hamptons for 10 million more than the United States offered in aid to the tsunami victims. The next time that you are about to take a prescription medicine, check the side effects. In really small print, it will list excessive profits as a side effect of nearly every drug on the market. Oops, unbridled optimism must be one of the side effects of avoiding prescription medications.

Still Red and Blue States?

I'm not opinionated It's incredible that months after the election the press is still talking about red and blue states. I'm not sure if this is just a convenient catch phrase for people who are too lazy or uninspired to come up with their own adjectives, or very effective political spin. This oversimplification of political viewpoints marginalizes everyone, not just those who live in a state that is "blood red" or "midnight blue". I used to think that having the media "call" an election before the polls closed yielded premature electoration, but now we are being conditioned to believe that if we are the "wrong color" for our state, our vote is useless. As a result, voices are muted, ideas are squashed, and the democratic process is shortchanged. Maybe some day, after we bring democracy to Iraq, they can be divided into red and blue tribes, and their leader can be elected by fewer than 30% of those eligible to vote. Anyone for eliminating the electoral college?

At least we didn't offer the pocket lint!

If you have followed the U.S. response to one of the deadliest natural disasters in history, you may have noticed a pattern of reaction rather than action. As President Bush remained at his Crawford ranch clearing brush and riding his bicycle, Colin Powell offered a monumental fifteen million dollars in aid. Bush had the opportunity to show his ability to lead, to organize a relief effort by our allies (both of them), but he stayed on his ranch and sent Colin Powell to let them eat cake. It seems that our President's leadership bike still needs training wheels. Even a bit of tweaking by a United Nations official only loosened the pursestrings to $35 million. http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/ap/20041228/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_quake . Finally today, we upped the amount of aid to $350 million. http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000103&sid=a4_a_zg6UFus&refer=us . It seems that it took him a while, but the leader of the free world found something in it for himself. Sure, Haliburton won't be able to cash in on this one, but by sending his brother as an "ambassador", Jeb can be moved onto a larger stage. Maybe Schwartzenneger for President wouldn't be so bad after all.